It’s officially officially: I’ve moved to New York. The concrete jungle. Big apple. City that never sleeps. The unmistakable sinking feeling of real life versus dreams is crashing down and settling deep in the pit of my stomach like an forgettable kiss. It’s one thing to talk about moving cross-country for love, life & the betterment of self; it’s another to actually do it. While the notion has entertained my lips for months, hell, years on end, and been the topic of countless catch ups with friends, or small talk with strangers, it is no longer entertaining. It has happened.
Sure, I’m headed back in a few days to revisit our Angeleno counterparts and see one of my oldest friends off to med school but I can’t call the City of Angels home any longer. Like a relationship, the faster ties are cut, the lesser it’ll hurt. At least, that’s what they tell you right? But remnants of my past linger - shoes left to be shipped, dry cleaning left to be picked up… a dinner date forever rainchecked. I departed too quickly for any tears or a formal goodbye, but in the solace of a humid subway station awaiting the train ride home, my heart has finally caught up to me.
It’s been less than two weeks (I’ve spent “vacations” longer than that here), and already doubts have implanted themselves in the crevices of my determination. Hidden behind the mask of a bright smile and excited gushing, these doubts remind me that this city will never be what I need it to be. So… how long? How long before I’m chewed up and spit out? How long before I don’t feel like a failure or quitter and consider myself “made”? How long before the misery of perpetual heat and stench of rotting garbage and fear of subway rats finally breaks me down? How long before I say goodbye and we part our ways?
My heart aches for the sound of crashing waves; for the feeling of freedom while cruising up the PCH with all windows down and Nas on blast; for the sense of sanity that accompanies solitude. It aches for all things familiar, and for a feeling of belonging. Most of all, my heart aches for the what ifs that remain unfulfilled, and tie me back to the city I’ll forever call home.